That's What Friends Are For...

Recently I had a conversation with another international student and he asked me when I was going to leave Madrid. When I told him that I'm going to leave next week already he was quite surprised and wanted to know why I am not planning on spending more free time in the city. I responded that I am going to start an internship in two weeks and therefore had to leave. He almost shrieked and wanted to know why every German student is doing an internship over the summer. Apparently he had heard of every German student currently in Madrid that he or she is going to start one within the next couple of weeks. :-)

Obviously I felt quite proud of my hard-working German companions but I also started to think. In my circle of German friends as well as the people I study with, we are immensely focused on doing everything right: many spent a gap year abroad (everyone is actually aiming at being able to write study/working experience in three regions on their CV, namely the U.S., Europe and Asia), we do internships during the summer, we study abroad, we aspire to speak at least four languages fluently (five would be better), we have hobbies and work voluntarily for charity, we do one or two Masters, and of course we try to do the round-the-world-trip before we start our first real job. So far so good. On paper this sounds nice and motivating. And it is! (Btw: not EVERYONE I know is like this!) :-)

However, in these times when even the Dalai Lama tweets, this is what made me think:

 

I have a couple of very good friends. Some live in my hometown, others in a couple of other countries that I have been in contact with, many do some kind of exchange or internship program abroad. They are basically spread all over the place. With this I don't want to be bragging but rather highlight how complicated this situation is. While I'm happy that we all have the opportunity to make this awesome experiences and to live in exotic places (like me living in Vermont... ;-), it sometimes also makes me quite sad. Can I really show 'genuine affection' via the Facebook chat? And can I be there for a friend in need when I am thousands of kilometers away?

When I told my parents that I was planning on doing my Master at the same university that I had already done my Bachelor degree, I was told that this is maybe not a good plan and that I should rather choose for a program taught in another country (London, the U.S. and some other destination were named in the discussion). These are my parents, the people that have educated me about important values such as friendship, loving the people around you and being there for each other. I ended up telling my father that I don't really have 600 Facebook friends by choice but rather because I have been around and have friends (acquaintances?) from all over the world. But do I stay in touch with these 600 people? Of course not. Do I call no. 545 when I feel sad and need somebody to talk to? Uhm. 

I went on to tell my parents that it is of course a nice idea of them that I go from Madrid to Berlin to London and thereafter find a job in Beijing but to put this into practice is a whole different story. Again new people, again the same small talk, again being far away from home and feeling lonely, again starting all over! At some point it becomes less fun than it was the first time... I started wondering, in order to find a satisfying job, is it really necessary for me to leave behind the people I love and the places I like all the time? It is not like a field trip in sixth grade anymore during which you have your best friend at your side at all times.

It is similar with the people around me of whom I know they're thinking that I am doing a big mistake by not choosing for a university with more prestige or one that is further away from home. They think that I am weak because I have chosen for something I already know (how boring!). Well, I'm sorry but I actually believe that I am the strong person in this equation (actually, this is not an equation, is it?!) simply due to the fact because I have chosen for staying a bit longer in a place that I like and where I have friends that I would like to give some genuine affection to. We don't always need to be on a run, do we?! I actually believe that my future employer might like my sense for loyalty and that he is not necessarily looking for somebody who is always on the go in order to enhance his or her CV.

What I am trying to say is that I think that sometimes we are taking our career-focused existence too far.  Aren't we already quite qualified and satisfying the way we are? I think so. And what do you think is more important: a job on 5th Avenue and the penthouse, or actually having people in your life that you can rely on and that you see more often than just during the time you go home for Christmas? Both would be best, I assume... ;-)

My dear friends, my preaching is finally over. :-) Sorry for pretending that I know it all and that I have it all. It is just something I have been thinking about a lot and the aforementioned conversation made me think about it even more. I think you are all doing a tremendous job in what you are doing and I'm quite proud to have that many smart and hard-working people around me! However, sometimes I just wish I would get to see you more often and spend some quality time together. 

Oh and Facebook friend no. 545: if you ever need somebody to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.. well... send me a message in the chat and I see what I can do!

Intercultural Sensitivity

Whoever has lived abroad for a while is most likely considering himself as a person that is culturally sensitive and aware of problems that may arise in this respect. In job interviews I do the same thing: claiming that because of my living, studying and working experiences abroad I know how to behave in a different culture and that I have a feeling for cultural sensitivity.

Nowadays, however, I am starting to doubt if we can ever fulfill this standard by means of our skills as well as our mindset. Of course I try to eat every local speciality they put in front of me (while staring in my face in order to check out my reaction), obviously I'm not going to make jokes about people dancing to traditional folk songs and I wouldn't walk half naked into a church in Catholic Spain. That is a minimum standard which every ordinary tourist should easily be able to fulfill.

I rather mean things that go beyond this politeness and respect of other peoples' customs. It is, for instance, much easier to have a conversation in German with a fellow German person but while other people from different nationalities are around it is rather impolite - yet we do it all the time (and I don't mean a specific nationality). The same goes for gossiping about people around in a language they don't understand. We have all been in a situation where we know something was going on, yet, we did not quite comprehend what the people in front of us were really talking about due to the language barrier.

However, even these examples do not really prove my point because they would still be resolvable by some efforts of all parties involved. I believe that there are a couple of cultural characteristics embedded in every person that are, on the one hand, not easily hidden permanently and, on the other hand, very distinct from others - making the culture what it is. Cultures shape people and influence their behavior and will always have an influence on the choices we make and the behavior we adopt.


In group work, for instance, people from other nationalities at times value that I want to work in an efficient manner and that I want to deliver work that is as good as it can be. Yet, at times, probably depending on the others' nationalities, they are just annoyed by the way I want everyone to stick to the rules and do the best they can. When the latter happens I am usually quite frustrated and feel that my cultural habits are not respected or taken into account. But honestly, what can they do? It is most likely unavoidable that some cultural characteristics are going to be standing in the way of what the majority of the group wants to do.


The same goes for the way most Germans communicate. Usually we say straight into each other's faces what we think and how we feel. If I communicate with a fellow German person, telling him or her honestly what I think about a certain thing is usually not a problem and actually considered as a valued behavior. We cherish honesty and authenticity. With other nationalities, however, doing the same thing sometimes results in frustration or even anger. Importantly, considering the fact that that person is from a culture in which you are more polite and closed about your opinions, this person would probably never tell me that I had just offended him with my honest remark. What a dilemma! :-)


Another example would be prejudices we hold towards certain countries or cultures. I think that these preconceived opinions, shaped by the media, stories we've heard or just a general dislike, are extremely difficult to be overcome. The Spanish are lazy, the Germans don't have humor, the Americans are fat. Sounds familiar? :-)


So, where does this leave us? I don't know. I don't know if something needs to be changed or if there is something we can do against this or if we just have to wait for globalization to continue doing what it is doing. I'm not aiming at over-dramatizing this issue - people with different cultural backgrounds will always manage to communicate, work and live with each other somehow. But I believe that every once in a while we need to stop and reflect on how people perceive us and how we perceive them and if there is something that should be considered with a 'real' intercultural sensitivity. Because what counts in the end is that I would never want to miss the input and experience I have gained by interacting with people from other countries and by getting to know their values and habits. There is so much more to explore!